I think that there comes a point in every body's life when they admit that they just aren't what they should be or what they could be. Not as good, not as strong, not as thin, not as pretty, not as organized, not as clean, not as pure, not as nice, not as quiet, not as smart, not as thoughtful, not as talented, not as creative, not as useful, not as right, not as serving, not as deserving, not as...you name it. There are times when we despise everything about ourselves and if given the opportunity we would sit in the corner of the shower until the water washes us, in all our imperfection down the drain in a swirling whirlpool. All at the same time we criticize ourselves for being such a mess and not having it all together. If you don't have clue as to what I'm talking about, you have never had a hormonal moment in your life and should probably stop reading because you won't get it. Maybe it's not entirely hormone related, all the time, but in those moments those thoughts are magnified 1000 times and the fix it solution seems so far distant and unreachable.
For those of you who wonder how I do it? With 7 kids and a husband who (very gratefully) has a job, a good job, but a job that takes him away for almost a month at time. How do I handle Christmas, and New Years and other holidays and traditions and birthdays and Dr. appointments and school programs and lost teeth and first steps and cleaning and dinner,(lunch, breakfast) and homework and vacation time and church and chores and niceness and disciplines and everything else including hormonal moments of weakness, without him?... Well sometimes I DON'T. My house is not clean and my kids are not nice. And sometimes I don't want to go to church. Someone gave a talk last week in church about how *it's NOT good to do things just because we're supposed to,* You know the "if your heart's not in it"talk. As Jacob was crawling under and behind the pew kicking the divider curtain(between the chapel and the gym) and as I was trying to keep the other kids on top of keeping the 128 crayons(they brought both boxes) and Cheerios from flying across the chapel, and being irritated at the teenager for wanting to color instead of listening or (heaven forbid) help. Jennifer was even there because she was going to accompany me to sing and she had the baby. It's really hard to prepare to sing with the Spirit while your having thoughts of beating your children when you get home. And when I finally caught Jacob and drug him by his ankles over the bench, I thought to this gal that was speaking "You don't have a FREAKIN clue" Sometimes we HAVE to do things just because we're supposed to, if we didn't then we wouldn't make it around to the *do it 'cause our heart's in the right place* time ever again. So I guess in this moment as I feed my children Muddy Buddies for New Years dinner, I admit that I give myself a big fat "F" in motherhood today. When you have to sit down and apologize to your children for being crazy and overwhelmed and tell them you're sorry that you aren't as good of mom as they deserve, your grade can't get any lower. I'll be funny later.
10 comments:
Well as I feed child number 4 chocolate so he won't cry at 8:30am I think I'll join you on this hormone fest. I can barely handle having five, not seven and my husband is around. My hats off to you for feeding them anything at all because we had a day like that yesterday and I told my oldest to feed the rest of them ravioli from a can b/c I couldn't even get off the chair to do it. (Dillon was eating ALL day) I'll go along with what my friend with eight children told her kids, "I won't be able to pay for your college but I'll be happy to contribute to your therapist bill". With me as a mom they'll need it.
Oh yeah, about that talk... I think our Father in Heaven appreciates any thing we try to do for any reason we are trying to do it. If you are doing it out of a sense of obligation isn't your heart in it somewhat? You were there at church and that counts for something whether you would rather be home beating the kids or not. :D
a lot of the time it takes doing just what we're supposed to do for the sake of being righteous to later feel like our hearts are in it. And boy, am I a weiner... I can't handle my 2 with my husband right by my side. The Lord will only give us what we can handle, and I don't think I can handle much.
Naomi, Naomi, Naomi... You are a great mom. We all have those moments and are kids still love us and one day they will completely understand the way we treated them on occasion. They will still turn out to be great kids because they have a great mother who loves them and the Lord, despite our crazy moments. I was also ready to give the 3 girls away this morning. Just think if you had 5 girls and 2boys how much more hormonal your house would be. The Lord knew what he was doing when he gave you boys. We love you and miss you and your great family. It sounds like your kids might need to visit grandmas without you for a while.
Love lots
I am just counting down the hours until school starts tomorrow :)
Naomi, I only have two children and I feel like that all the time! I think you should give yourself a break and realize that you have 7 children that are still alive. I sometimes wonder if my two boys will make it past toddlerhood. Anyone who makes it through one week with 7 kids is a heroine in my book.
oh, I feel for you! I would be totally insane if I had to do it all on my own for weeks at a time. Its understandable to have a break down every now and then. If you didn't you wouldn't be normal. I wish I was around to help you out- just pray for saneness (I think I made that word up). I also pray that my kids will turn out dispite all my bad mom moments/days/weeks. :)
It is so hard sometimes and we have to just do "what we are suppose to do" until our hearts are in it...when our kids have left home and we have a few minutes of peace and quiet. :-) There are days when I think that other churches have it right by sending the kids to "Sunday school" while the adults attend the main meeting.
It will get better, if we live through this.
I am just entering the wide world of blogging and thought I would check yours out. Let me just say, I LOVE YOU!!!!!! You are so awesome. Not many people will admit to weakness, so the rest of us think we are the only ones struggling! Thanks for letting the rest of us know we aren't alone in the motherhood struggles department. Hang in there and try eating some space food when things get tough :)
I totally admire you and your ability to have 7 beautiful kids. I have my overwhelming days with my 3. Thank you for being open with your feelings. I think sometimes blogs are full of "look at all the wonderful things I have done". It's nice to see that others have F days as well. I know I sure do!
Post a Comment