Sunday, May 22, 2011

I'm really grateful that I started writing this blog when I did. There is definitely something special that surrounds that time of life when all your kids are babies and you think that diapers will rule your existence forever. Humor can be found at every turn and sanity hangs on the finest thread. And then you shut your eyes and it's over. There hasn't been a diaper found in my house for almost a year now. I only had 2 kids at home this school year. and next it will be only one. I'm trepidatious about only having Ellie at home. In part because having one means that I will become the entertainer again. I like it when there are more kids at home because they play with each other. One good thing about Ellie is that she's a sleeper. So I guess after getting the other 6 off to school, maybe I'll get to go back to sleep every once in a while.
Something happened when I moved here. It's been a gradual change. I'm not sure what all has contributed to it. Perhaps it's circumstantial, perhaps physiological. probably a little of both. My steadfastness in life has begun to wavier. My contentedness to sit and just be has faded. I don't feel the strength and commitment to the ties that are my life. And I hate it. I hate feeling unrest. I hate feeling like I have to accept things the way they are because "that's how it is". And I hate my husbands job. because I'm lonely. ans I have no control or power over that. So I am forced to be in this situation and just be... and just feel and just deal. Yes, I am grateful for good employment, for financial security. I'm not stupid. I do not, however, like being presented with the argument of "sure we could find a different job, but it will financially ruin us" and having grown up in poverty, you know darn well that I would never conscientiously allow someone to go through that. So it doesn't matter, that I'm frustrated, lonely, wavering, tired. and giving up on "all that is holy" so to speak...I still have to put up and shut up, for the good of the masses. AND we are STUCK in this lonely little town, at least until the oldest graduates, so that we don't ruin his life. I'm just frustrated. I shouldn't be writing right now. Nothing is funny. Actually it's just crap.
I miss my friends. I miss my stupid husband. I miss babies and that feeling of being stuck and belonging, in a good way. I miss my faith. and the "everything's black and white" perspective. Everything is NOT black and white. anyone who thinks it is, is a fool. I guess it's just my time to learn about all that grey. I'm not a super fan of grey. But guess what...grey is the space between black and white, being there doesn't determine which color you're headed toward, you're just there. without grey there isn't hope. and I don't want to be a part of a life that doesn't hold hope for everyone.

1 comment:

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